Thought Log 001: The Cartesian Void

The ambiguity of belief terrifies me; its presence seems to dictate my soul, forcing me to constantly question this fragile illusion of authenticity. It’s undeniable how reality and falsehood blur together into a chaotic synergy—nothing in this world feels truly "absolute." Everything feels contaminated by the contradiction of its own original value, coming off as fake compared to the very concept of truth.

So, I don't even know how to describe myself anymore, and I find myself constantly asking: why do I feel so unlike myself? Why do I lose my composure over doubts that only exist in my own head? I think I finally understand what Descartes meant—losing our sense of self to an illusion of belief leaves us entirely unmoored. We search for a true authenticity that doesn't exist anywhere, and we humans—even I—end up questioning our own reality. That feeling of lost existence crystallizes deep within our souls.

But one thing is certain: beneath this paralyzing doubt about ourselves, something stirs deep within. Morality. It’s an abstract concept to map out, more like a feeling that organically grows. It’s a boundary that defines our true nature when we question things; when we doubt and act out of character, that barrier is there. Morality is pure and untouchable. Or, to put it bluntly, our mind is who we truly are, and morality is merely the vessel. The mind itself doesn't actually doubt; it just gets distorted—warped by ego, judgment, and all that noise. Argh, I don't know. I feel like I'm just rambling now. Sorry.

But maybe that rambling points to a bigger question. If nothing is absolute, and if there were no God, would my life still hold any meaning?

Honestly, even in the absence of a deity, I believe humanity would inevitably invent one of their own, even through the most abstract concepts imaginable. Why? Because nothing in this world exists without a purpose. No matter how confidently someone declares, "I have no purpose in life," the very words they spit out become a purpose in themselves. You make it your purpose to have no purpose. Hahaha.

What I mean is, the concept of "purpose" is born to fill a tiny void in the human heart. It assumes this emptiness doesn't exist without a reason. We have an innate need to hunt for that missing puzzle piece through whatever medium we can find, and often, God becomes that bridge. For the religious, God is the ultimate endpoint; meeting the creator is what gives life weight. So, even if you strip away religion, you'll inevitably end up deifying some other concept just to fill that space, won't you?

Knowing that—knowing we are all just desperate to fill the void and find meaning amidst the chaos—forces me to look inward again. Am I living with true integrity toward myself?

For now, I think so. I want to live for me. I want to give my integrity the breathing room it needs to grow. If I’m being honest, I lost that integrity for a while. I was deeply confused, completely losing my grip on the essence and direction of my own life. But eventually, I caught myself. Even if I haven't figured it out completely just yet, I am trying. I'm trying to live by simply doing what I actually love, holding onto the things that truly hold value to me.